Can a Non-Borderline help a Borderline?


© A.J. Mahari
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Sep 6, 1999


have to give clear messages and stick with your boundaries even when they are challenged by the borderline in your life.

I can honestly say that after all I have gone through with this personality disorder one of the hardest things to reconcile and live with is how I treated people in the past and how my closer relationships unfolded, and blew apart. It was only my own willingness to look at my role in these life experiences that enabled me to make changes. I had to heal my past, let go of old-patterned maladaptive ways of coping. I had to change to fit into what is deemed "heathly relating". Anything short of this and I would still be being emotionally abusive. The line between "appropriate" and "abusive" can get very blurry when one is in a relationship with a borderline. I urge anyone in this situation to keep that line in sharp focus at all times.

Not a popular answer, not the answer that most want to hear, but, NO, you cannot help a borderline. Each borderline has to help him/herself. Even if you could lead the "horse" to water you can't necessarily get him/her to drink.

I think it is important to care. But, if in the process of caring for yourself you have to put space, time, distance, etc between you and a borderline -- most of which many borderlines find totally intolerable and will experience as abandonment, then do it. Do what you have to do for yourself and or any children involved.

In the case of BPD, it is cruel to be kind to the extent that you enable abuse of any kind. It is cruel to insist on anything less than acceptable adult behaviour.

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Here's the follow-up discussion on this article: View all related messages
6.   Jul 13, 2004 5:18 PM
This Borderline Personality Disorder can cause a non Borderline to almost think they are the ones that have a problem.Take it from me and if it weren't for people like you who take the time and offer ...

-- posted by Love2Learn
5.   Jun 17, 2003 8:23 PM
In response to message posted by V720:

I felt like you were writing about me for a second. This sounds much like where m ...

-- posted by aggiejeff00
4.   Apr 14, 2003 11:51 AM
In response to message posted by V720:

This is my first visit here, but I have a fairly good idea what BPD entails. I a ...

-- posted by KayVay
3.   Jul 18, 2002 8:10 AM
I've often wondered why my brother has always acted as if a dark cloud was always following him till I read something on the internet about BPD. Now I understand why he never holds a job, tells me wh ...

-- posted by V720
2.   Sep 8, 1999 8:23 AM
A.J Mahari-

I just want to say thanks for writing this article. It is reassuring to know that I have been handling my particular situation in the best possible way. Time and distance from the Bor ...

-- posted by Jimmy2



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