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How Can We Make This Work?

© Aaron Joseph Goebel

If the adults' relationship is shaky, the blended family can't survive. One in every two first marriages end in divorce. Second, third, etc. marriages have even less of a chance of survival. One of the major reasons these marriages don't last are because of children.

Living happily ever after is a dream every newly-wedded couple has, and when you come into a marriage with children, you are not only working on a relationship between you and your new partner, but also between your partner and your children, your children amongst each other and any new step-siblings, your relationship with your children and with any step-children that your partner may bring into the mix.

Everyone in the new, blended family has to make adjustments and sacrifices, but it is the parents' job to set down the rules and to stick with them. The only way these rules are going to work is if the parents come to an agreement between them before implementing the rules.

If you want to let the children be in on the making of the rules that's up to you, but it's important that you, as the parents and adults, show a united front before the children, even if you disagree on issues brought up during the discussion of the rules. If you don't agree, the best thing to do is to say something like "We'll discuss this between us later and get back with you." I know this is tough, but let me tell you from personal experience, that if you see a rift in the relationship between your parent and new step-parent, you are going to do your darnedest to encourage that rift or disagreement if it'll go in your favor. When they stick together you can't do this.

The next big issue is fair and equal treatment between the children that are living in the home 24-7 and the ones that visit every other weekend or whatever other visitation arrangements have been made. The absent parent seems to want to overcompensate for the time lost with them, and the biological adult handles the part-time children with kid gloves, because they don't want to make them mad for fear they won't want to come back and see them. They also miss them, and that makes it harder not to get all excited and show favoritism or extra attention to them. Here's my thoughts on that situation: When the children are visiting

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