Keeping Things Equal

This is a very difficult topic to write about. How do you treat a child that doesn't live with you full-time equal to the child who is underfoot on a daily basis? How do you keep from spoiling the absent child when they are present and not overdoing things to make up for the time you don't see them? How do you keep resentment from forming by the other parent or siblings? It is true you are paying monetary support for the absent child, in my cases, but they still don't get the physical attention of your being there on a daily basis. On the other hand, they don't get the discipline that the child who is underfoot gets daily, and aren't controlled by you in the same way. It's a two-edged sword.

To the absent child, the everyday child may be resented because they get to see the parent daily and the parent is available to them whenever needed. The child living with the parent has access to them at all times.

The absent child doesn't have access to the parent at all times. They can call at anytime but if they aren't old enough to drive, they have to make arrangements to see the parent. Activities are scheduled rather than spontaneous. Parents don't like each other, usually, and the absent child has to listen to snide little remarks made by either parent about the other, and has to put up with being asked questions about their stay with the absent parent. There is always that separation time when the child goes back to the custodial parent.

To the child living with the parent, the absent child has it better because the parent isn't watching over them and controlling them all the time. They seem to get away with more behaviorally, get to stay up later at night, get more attention, do more fun activities, get better presents, etc. when they come to visit, or on holidays and birthdays.

Parents have to try and balance their attention between the absent and custodial children while the absent children are visiting, in order to keep emotions stable and feelings from being hurt or resentments from festering. But the truth is, they miss the child they don't get to see all the time. Even if the child is taken care of physically, emotionally that child needs extra attention when he or she is visiting. They need extra one-on-one attention by the non-custodial parent. The child that is always there needs this explained to them, and it's possible they may be made to understand because one of their biological parents is also absent.

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