Adults believe that children are young and flexible and that they'll survive and bounce back. The children are dragged into the turbulence of divorce and the drastic changes that follow, the newly single parent's roles, and later into the dating and remarriage of their parents. They have no control over any of these events that are having a major effect upon their lives and they feel angry and helpless.
Yes, children are more flexible than most adults, but their adjustment depends on how well they are helped through these rough times. If the the parent and stepparent are to have a good relationship with their child, they must understand the child's feelings and what motivates his or her behavior.
You see, children have no choice in the matter of a separation or divorce, nor do they have a choice in the events that follow. This powerlessness interferes with their sense of security. It lowers their self-confidence. Children, like adults, need to feel they have control of their lives and a choice in what happens to them. A good way to help children feel as though they do have some personal choice, give them as many choices as possible for different areas of their lives. Giving children choices like selecting what they want to eat, to wear, or how to spend their allowance will help children feel they do have some control, which helps eliminate their feeling of helplessness. Children also need to be included in discussions about family activities, new rules, changes in lifestyles, moves, pets, etc. Even though adults usually have the final say, children's wishes should be heard and taken into consideration.
Many children assume they, in some way, were responsible for the leaving of the absent parent. They believe their bad behavior was the reason, or that they were so unlovable that their own parent wouldn't stay. These feelings of worthlessness can cause children to behave in different ways. They may misbehave because they're angry with themselves, or withdraw from friends and family, thinking that nobody can love them if their own parent can't.
To help ease a child's feeling of guilt, adults must visit with the children, discuss the changes to come, and provide them with straightforward information about what is happening. Withhold your judgment of the absent parent. They don't need the details, but just a clear explanation of the situation which includes the assurance that they are not to blame for the situation and they will always be loved by both parents.
