Upcoming Remakes of Classic Black and White Films!

I've been getting complaints, mainly from the voices in my head, that I spend too much time covering old movies and not enough covering new offerings from Hollywood. Rather than push my luck, I will appease these voices and present some news from Present Day Hollywood that has just come across my desk. It seems Tinseltown is preparing a slate of new remakes of old black and white classics for this coming year, and I am pleased as punch to be the first to report about them. So without further adieu:

In the new spirit of bipartisanship that is sweeping across Washington D.C., there will be a remake of Frank Capra's immortal MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON. Cuba Gooding, Jr. plays Elroy Smith, a small-town city councilman battling the racism and bigotry that is naturally ingrained in all small town white people, and decides that the only way he can truly tackle the problem is to become a U.S. Senator. In a montage worthy of Vorkapich himself, Smith wins his race and the next time we see him he is seated in the hallowed halls of the United States Senate. He tries to pass a bill that makes having racist thoughts illegal, but Evil President Jidge Blush (of an unnamed party) vetoes it again and again. Senator Smith rushes into the White House to confront the President, but the President's secretary (Whoopi Goldberg) tells him the big guy is not in. Smith makes an impassioned speech to Whoopi, who gets so fired up, she kicks in the Oval Office door herself. They find President Blush in a compromising situation, and Whoopi (who naturally has a camera on her) takes a quick picture. President Blush passes the bill, steps down, and appoints Senator Smith his successor. Smith appoints Whoopi as Vice-President. Everyone smiles and the credits roll as Eminem shouts out his latest hit on the soundtrack.

As a Christmas offering, there is the remake of the Leo McCarey classic THE BELLS OF ST. MARY'S. Kevin Spacey stars as Father O'Malley, the role Bing Crosby made famous. O'Malley is a priest with an alcohol problem who has witnessed a Cardinal molesting an altar boy. This causes him to doubt his faith and go on a three-week bender of booze and hookers. When he comes to, he finds himself at St. Mary's, where Sister Superior (Whoopi Goldberg), a hip, now kind of nun, nurses him back to health. He falls in love with another young nun, Sister Regina, played by the curvaceous ex-James Bond girl, Denise Richards. After several steamy sex scenes that just skirt an NC-17 rating, Sister Regina convinces O'Malley to squeal on the Cardinal, which he does in the middle of Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral, rocking the Catholic Church with scandal and humiliation. After that, Sister Regina and Father O'Malley renounce their vows and move to Mexico to live out their lives in sin, squalor and Mexico City. The credits roll as Madonna sings her latest hit.

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