Eight Legged Freaks

For those who don't know (owing much, no doubt, to the fact you are too busy watching crap like "Men In Black II"), William Castle--the late William Castle--was a master showman, of the cinematic kind. It was Castle who came up with such original gimmicks as the $1,000 insurance policy for anyone who 'died of fright'; 'Emergo', flying skeletons that flew over the audience during the movie; the Punishment Poll, which allowed audiences to choose the fate of the character Dr. Sardonicus; the two minute 'Fright-break' for those too scared to watch the end of "Homicidal", and the 'Coward's Corner', for those who wanted their money back after watching "Homicidal"; and the infamous 'Tingler' device, with which Castle buzzed the behinds of more than 20,000,000 Americans.

William Castle believed films and movies had one purpose: To entertain. Of course, how Castle entertained left much to be desired, and given his legacy has been taken on by the likes of John Waters, by way of such efforts as "Cry-Baby", "Pink Flamingos", "Multiple Maniacs", and "Polyester"--well, let's just be thankful the world had the opportunity to experience the antics of Castle.

The reason I mention this is because I think the actual heir apparent to Castle's work has been found. His name is Ellory Elkayem, and the work that goes to support this assertion is entitled, appropriately enough, "Eight Legged Freaks".

"Eight Legged Freaks" is undeniably an shameless homage to Castle's work: It is the sort of flick that people go to see to be scared and come out of laughing tears of joy and hysterics. "Eight Legged Freaks" is filled to the brim with laughs, thrills, terror, wit, horror, and scary monsters. Yet, just when it could take itself seriously in its task to--as Castle proudly said time and again--scare the pants off America, it shows a sly grin, pokes fun at itself, and gets away with such a turn.

"Eight Legged Freaks", in case you haven't already figured it out, is about spiders. I know: You already saw this movie--it was called "Arachnophia", and you didn't like it because the bugs weren't big enough to be scary. Well, let me tell you something: You ain't seen nothing yet. The spiders in this movie are so big that if director Elkayem really wanted scare the pants off movie-goers he would have made this movie in 3-D (remember that device?) and had the freaks leaping off the screen into the audience every other scene. Of course, had he done this, as yet another nod to the master Castle, panic where this movie was playing would have resulted in crazed mobs fleeing the multiplex and trampling ticketholders waiting to get in to see the latest "Star Wars" installment.

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