Captain Corelli's Mandolin

In Hollywood, within the Hollywood machine, the multi-national corporate thing that is made much of suckers and tentacles, there is an unwritten rule of sorts: Any time a forthcoming film or movie is certain to be a clinker, certain to lose money hand-over-fist, compare it, prior to release, to a great film or movie that came before.

For example, when "American Outlaws" (a Clinker (with a capital 'C'), if ever there was one) was scheduled to be released it would have come as no surprise to hear, by way of marketing hype and public relation machinations: In the tradition of Howard Hawks and John Ford. . .

It comes as no surprise, then, to hear that "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" is being pitched and hawked in this matter. The film, from word one, has been burdened with problems countless, resulting, unfortunately, in a bona fide clinker.

Hence the remarks from the Hollywood machine about it: Penelope Cruz reminds one of Sophia Loren in her younger days. Nicholas Cage holds forth, echoing the finer performances of Cary Grant.

Not.

Nicholas Cage may be related to one of the most talented directors in the history of American cinema, but this means nothing. Especially when it comes to dramatic roles, such as those found in "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".

And as to Penelope Cruz, well, given she is now identified as 'the next Mrs. Tom Cruise', can she be taken seriously as an actor? Again: Not.

"Captain Corelli's Mandolin", for the most part, takes place on a small Greek island that serves, for purposes here, as a microcosm of what was World War II. As such it is infused, albeit superficially, with elements of tragedy and romance. Like a certain another war movie of recent days (think: "Pearl Harbor"), though, these elements don't work as they should, and the contrived acting comes across as a stilted reading for a mass audition. (Think: "Waiting for Guffman, Part II: The War Years").

Add to this forced equation the notion of Love-At-First-Sight. (Consider me a jaded cynic, even though I will quickly refute such charges with a showing of my laminated card: 'Hardcore Romantic', but love at first sight beyond the cinema is a myth. It is. It exists only to give justification to relationships that ultimately fail.)

Now. To the lovers in question: A Greek girl, Pelagia (Penelope Cruz) and an Italian Captain (Nicolas Cage), named Corelli. She is the daughter of the town doctor, Dr. Iannis (John Hurt). Her mother is not around, so her father raises her, educating her in such noble things as literature and medicine. Because she is schooled in such things, though, she is deemed smarter than other women of the village . Which, of course, dooms her: Early on she falls for a handsome man named Mandras (Christian Bale), who is Greek. A foreigner.

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