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America's Sweethearts - Page 2© James C. Hess
The plot (more or less) of "American's Sweethearts": The aforementioned horde of gossip columnists/reporters/entertainment sycophants/supposed journalists have been invited to a remote desert location for the premiere of a movie. Therein is something of a problem: The movie in question may not exist. But not to worry: The movie studio Public Relation flack, Lee (Crystal), thinks he can save the day by distracting the yamming, barking hacks with an even bigger story than the premiere: He will convince them the stars of said movie are in love.
When it comes to the Hollywood machine Gossip is the thing. Oh, yes. Gossip. And Gossip, Lee believes, will save the day. Here's the thing: He's right. But instead of playing hard as Donald O'Connor might this notion director Roth drops it like a blob of hot leg wax, and goes for the easy out. Strike one against "American's Sweethearts". I digress. At the center of all of this are two sisters: Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones as, respectively, Kiki and Gwen. Gwen is the cardboard Hollywood slut puppy: Sleek, beautiful, famous. Bitchy. Demanding. Kiki is her antithesis: She has long been overweight (60 pounds, more or less), and shy, submissive. Which, of course, makes her perfect to be her sister's assistant ('gopher' in Hollywood lingo). An interesting premise, this. But Roth decided to complicate it with the addition of the character of Eddie (John Cusack). He is, conveniently, Gwen's co-star. (On-screen and off.) But Happily Ever After isn't likely: Gwen is lured and taken away by the likes of one Latin lover, Hector (Azaria). So. They live happily ever after? Obviously not. Hector is oily, slippery, has a lisp, a weak wrist, wandering hips, and too much jewelry. (Isn't this the role Azaria played in "The Birdcage"?) Eddie, keeping a torch burning for Gwen, learns of this, uh, relationship, and tries to run them down with his motorcycle. He fails in his efforts, and is dealt with as Hollywood types are: He is shuttled off to a rehab center for corrective behavior inflicted by a 'wellness guide' (Alan Arkin). Meanwhile, Hal Weidmann (Christopher Walken), the director of the missing movie in question, starring Gwen and Eddie, is making Eddie and the rest of Hollywood look normal: He spends almost 100 million dollars on his epic and has only about 20 seconds of footage to show for his efforts. I won't go on with regards to the narrative. There is no need. Beyond this point the movie heaves, grinds, howls, shudders, stalls repeatedly, chases its tail, and all but crashes in on itself owing much to formulaic movie- and film-making that has haunted and doomed Hollywood for years: We know Kiki, once the plump one, has slimmed down and looks physically better than her sister. (Does the phrase 'ugly duckling' ring any bells?) We know Gwen is a typical Hollywood whore. We know Hector can't endure. We know Eddie will find he loves Kiki, not Gwen.
The copyright of the article America's Sweethearts - Page 2 in Film & TV Reviews is owned by James C. Hess. Permission to republish America's Sweethearts - Page 2 in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
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