Lara Croft Tomb Raider

Admission of the following will no doubt date me and cause certain readers of my efforts to roll their eyes melodramatically and sigh loudly, but here goes:

Years ago, when I was young--younger than I am now--there was this guy named Rube Goldberg who created these creations that were, oh, how to put this: At once idiotic but brilliant.

If you have never heard of Goldberg let me try and explain him: More often than not, by way of single-panel comics, Goldberg constructed these. . . things that made otherwise simple efforts insanely complicated.

Consider: How many steps are involved in the cracking of an egg so one might acquire the contents? Five? Six?

According to Goldberg's constructions the number of steps involved in the cracking of an egg to acquire the contents were anywhere from fifteen to fifty and beyond.

Why so many steps? Because of the. . . things Goldberg constructed. And trying to describe these things isn't easy, so if you have never encountered his efforts you are poorer for it.

I know: Why do I mention this Goldberg person in--of all things--a review? Because "Lara Croft Tomb Raider" is the cinematic manifestation of the Rube Goldberg construct.

It is.

Which means, basically, it is idiotic but brilliant.

It is.

There is a story in "Lara Croft Tomb Raider", but just barely. The story here exists not to entertain but to provide support for the more important elements: Four special effects sequences.

Which, when you get right down to it, are Rube Goldberg design through and through.

I mentioned previously the story. Here it is, as catalyst to what happens as movie: Lara Croft is first seen doing battle furious with a deadly robot. (Look close, and tell me later the movies this is meant as homage to.) When the dust has settled and Croft is proven victorious we learn she is Somebody: Lady Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie), daughter of the tomb raider Sir Richard Croft (Jon Voight), whose stone informs us, sadly, 'Lost in the Field 1985'). How sad. But onward: Lady Lara lives in a massive estate with a butler, a private hacker, and a weapons system designer.

Why? More on that later.

(Or not.)

Croft is a, ah, babe. A major one, at that. With incredible hearing.

Important, this characteristic? Oh, yes. For it allows Ms. Croft to hear a faint ticking under the stairs. Of course, once she hears this she has to find out what it is. So that means demolishing said stairs. Which she does as only Lara Coft can do. Again, once the dust has settled we learn what it is that was ticking: An old clock containing the All-Seeing Eye.

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