Assassins

All right, now that I have made a fool of you, let me make you feel better by telling you that Hollywood has made a fool of me. They have done so by way of a movie called "Assassins".

"Assassins" stars Sylvester Stallone and Antonio Banderas. Which signals something, and it isn't good. When you have stars you tend to forfeit plot, premise, and story.

Which is the case here.

Stallone and Banderas are professional hit men. They have not met the other when the movie starts, but they receive marching orders on matching laptops and that lets to the meeting: Stallone has been sent to kill a guy at a funeral and is startled when somebody else does his job.

That somebody turns out to be Banderas, who hides behind a nearby headstone. Of course, he is young and undisciplined, and is quickly--predictably--caught by police.

And, quickly--predictably--he escapes them. In a taxi Stallone has stolen in order to pick him up and find out who he is.

All together now: Clap your hands three times and say 'I believe'.

Do you feel like an idiot? Wel, you're half the idiot I was for sitting through this.

Soon the two men are shooting at other, for reasons lacking actual reason (get the idea behind this mindless pap? Good.).

Then they find themselves once again working on the same job and competing for the same reward: Two million for a stolen computer disc.

Now the disc they want is in the possession of a woman named Electra (Julianne Moore), a cat lover and computer geek whiz who has made an elaborate plan for exchanging the disc with some bad guys who, I think, are Dutch.

Again, Stallone and Banderas face off, leaving a trail of bodies.

Now, because the disc is so difficult to be had, the reward for it goes to $20 million.

There is more to the supposed plot but I won't expend energy or effort on it. Suffice it to say you have to really, really, really believe in cinemagic to accept much in this movie.

Stallone is Stallone. Banderas, on the other hand, could be interesting, especially given the way he approaches this role. He isn't.

Which is unfortunate, especially for the moviegoer. But I doubt it will, in the long term, hurt Banderas.

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