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XOXO - Hugs & Kisses

© Heike Boehnke

This is a subject that stirs controversy every time it is mentioned. In a society where children are faced daily with violence from various sources, a small gesture can go a long way. I am talking about a hug.

The Hug. You would think this is a curse word, judging from the media attention it has been getting. Stories of teachers being fired and sued for hugging a student (most of these stories involve small children who needed comfort) and group leaders fighting allegations of sexual abuse. Even one of the Suite101 editors* was being pointed at for greeting her Sunday school students with a hug. Schools, daycare centers, even children’s clubs are recommending that teachers and leaders do not touch the children at all in order to avoid false allegations or comprimising situations. Is this going too far? Think of the impact this is having on our children. As the author of the featured article “Don’t Touch” mentions, what would the Special Olympics be without the hugs? What about the children who do not receive enough affection at home and look forward to a hug from a teacher or group leader? True, the shocking stories of shady care centers, abusing nannies, etc. are enough to make any parent wary of a stranger getting too close to their children. Don’t we owe it to ourselves and to our children not to hop on the panic wagon, but to teach them the difference between a warm hug and a sexual advance?

I grew up in a “huggy” atmosphere, and as an adult I still curl up on the couch with my mom and hug my friends when greeting them or saying good-bye. I cannot count the times when a reassuring, warm hug made me feel better. Try to remember the last time you went to someone’s home and they welcomed you with a hug. Didn’t it make you feel truly welcome? This is purely my opinion. I am not stereotyping but making an observation, I think we Europeans are raised to feel more comfortable with a hug than Americans. (All comments are encouraged!)

A child’s instincts are to come to you with open arms for comfort when it is hurt, or just tired. My daughter is at the stage where she shows that she is happy and that she likes you with a hug and a kiss. She hugs and kisses her dogs, people, books, the TV. It is an innocent show of affection; how would I ever teach her that her hug could be viewed as a sexual approach? No snickering, please! Remember the preschooler a few months ago who was suspended from school for sexual harassment because he kissed one of his classmates? What about all of you parents out there who grew up in a not so affectionate at home, who vowed you would be more affectionate with your children, because YOU know the importance of a hug? Another important factor that has been shown in independent studies, and one that I can stand behind due to experience: teens who grew up in a “huggy” and affectionate family atmosphere are more apt to speak openly with their parents about issues such as love, drugs, drinking and sex. It is not the miracle cure, but some of these teens mentioned that they felt comfortable talking to their parents about these issues because they have always felt loved and trusted. I hope I can instill enough trust and love into my daughter so that she feels she can come to me with anything.

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