Many families that I have spoken to about having a child with Asperger Syndrome report that the sibling relationship has to be one of the toughest areas for them to cope with. In some families where the siblings are much older than the child with Asperger Syndrome, the difficulties don't appear as great. In families where the siblings are close in age, the rivalry betwen the children can cause great stress in the family.
In my own family, my two sons are 15 months apart with the older one having Asperger Syndrome. When we received the diagnosis and told our younger son he reacted unexpectedly. He was 10 years old and as we explained Asperger Syndrome, he sobbed his heart out. He, like the rest of us, had hoped that his brother would "outgrow" whatever difficulties he had and be more like him.
He cried every night for weeks until I took him to see the psychiatrist who had diagnosed his older brother. The psychiatrist was very gentle when she told my son that his brother had not one, but two serious disabilities (one is unconfirmed mitochondrial myopathy) and life was very difficult for his brother. She suggested ways in which he could alleviate some of the stress that he was feeling at home, go out and play with friends more, get involved in clubs, get involved in a support group for children of siblings with special needs, go for counselling to discuss his feelings. She managed to extract the main reason for his unhappiness which he wouldn't tell me at home. He cried because he felt that I had ignored him all his life in favour of his brother and now that there was something wrong with his brother, he would never gain my attention.
I cannot describe how terribly guilty I felt when he stated that his brother got all my attention and he got none. I had not realized that he felt neglected, but of course, in this last year or two with constant medical appointments, tests and assessments, he has been neglected in favour of his brother. With the help of the psychiatrist, we worked out a plan that would make my son feel better. I agreed to reserve an afternoon a week just for him, continue my night time ritual of rubbing his back (which I had stopped due to lack of time and energy), and take more interest in his life. My son seems happy with those solutions and looks forward to our afternoons together.
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