Asperger's Syndrome and Feeling Lonely

The other day I received an e-mail from a young man in Sweden who thanked me for writing my articles about Asperger's Syndrome. He mentioned that he has felt lonely his whole life and this reminded me of my son. For years he has complained that he feels lonely, even in the middle of his own birthday party! I wondered if he was attaching the right label to his feelings at the time, and brushed the incidence off with your typical parent response "How could you possibly feel lonely with all these friends here?". This, I realize now, made him feel totally misunderstood and frustrated.

Even knowing that other people have Asperger's Syndrome doesn't make him feel less lonely. After receiving the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, I took my son into the #Autism chat room and he "spoke" to several young adults with Asperger's Syndrome. He quite enjoyed this conversation because everyone seemed to be on the same wavelength. However, he had great difficulty with children his own age - everyone seemed tongue-tied or spoke in an abrupt manner and the conversations lagged badly.

I think that the feeling of loneliness comes from feeling different from the other children. My son can see that other children relate to each other in a way that he can't seem to grasp. He can see that other children give him funny looks when he participates in class discussions and this makes him feel lonely. Very few children have the ability to understand a child with Asperger's Syndrome so they don't make the conversational effort that adults do. There is an excellent letter written by a 12 year old girl with Asperger's Syndrome which illustrates how lonely these children can get here: http://aspie.freeservers.com/letter.html

Over the last few years I have tried to make my son feel less lonely by participating in his fantasy games, taking more of an interest in his "special interests" and encouraging him to have friends over more often. All these things seem to be helping, however, what really works well is feeding his "special interest" of the moment. For example, he is very interested in making video games, so I downloaded a video game maker program and he has been in seventh heaven for the last 5 months, making game after game. Making video games is a popular topic amongst 11 year olds and my son invites his friends over to create a game together which they all seem to enjoy. If you have a child like mine, try to figure out how to help your child be less lonely in a world that is very difficult to be in. They will still feel different, but they will be happier in the long run.

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