The QVC Goddess

She tried to sell me a Table Mate multi-function table for $49.95. I was skeptical. I was not aware that a table could be multi-functional, but the woman proved me wrong. It could basically do everything but prune my shrubbery. But hell, I don't have any shrubbery. So I said O.K. But as I was looking for one of my credit cards, my Table Mate disappeared. In its place the Magic Baker Crisper Shaker appeared. I would tell you what a Magic Baker Crisper Shaker does, but I have no idea. All I know is that I wanted one. I could practically taste the crispy, baked, shakin' goodness. Mmmmmmmm...shakin' goodness. The QVC goddess entrapped me. I was placed under her spell. With those long fingers and ruby red press-on nails, she proceeded to fondle the Mary Jane Tea Cozy. As you can imagine the "Amount Sold" rose. I was frantic. Then Frannie Nickelstein's voice came over the airwaves. She sang the praises of the Mary Jane. The nice QVC people proceeded to salute her with a toot, and she went on her way. With the phone in one hand and the Visa in the other, I dialed. And then my husband changed the channel. What was I doing? This evil shopping network tried to sell me a tea cozy. I do not even know what a tea cozy is, but Frannie Nickelstein was so compelling. Apparently the tea cozy brought joy to her life, and I wanted it to bring joy to mine. Sure I've played the channel surfer. And sure I've seen the shopping channels. And sure I've laughed at the pathetic losers who would actually buy the neon leisure suits. But I never realized how easy it is to sit back in the comforts of one's own living room, dial the ever so accessible QVC operators and in a matter of minutes furnish the hamster's plush new rodent mansion.

Oooooooh, next up...The Gold Hour!

Check out QVC online: http://www.qvc.com.

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