Rob Schmidt's Crime and Punishment in Suburbia

* 1/2 (out of 4)

After dashing suburban values to hell with Todd Solondz's Happiness, edgy production company Killer Films returns to the fray with Crime and Punishment in Suburbia. With all the finesse of a dull kitchen knife, this loose adaptation of Fyodor Dostoyevsky's classic Russian novel attempts to strip away the layers of small-town hypocrisy. This self-satisfied waste of space, care of flashy new filmmaker Rob Schmidt, manages to be even more insipid than the overrated American Beauty, if that were possible.

On the surface, everything's just fine. One of the most popular girls in school, beautiful cheerleader Roseanne (Monica Keena) is dating the hunky captain of the football team (James DeBello). They'll make a great yearbook photo - freshly scrubbed, blonde, attractive, shiny white teeth. Pictures of a different kind are being taken by the eccentric class loser, Vincent (Vincent Kartheiser, Another Day in Paradise). This pale, scrawny rebel skulks around in the bushes, snapping photos as Roseanne is fingered by her horny boyfriend. As he decides to "look closer" (a la Wes Bentley), he discovers that the picture perfect Roseanne is being raped by her drunken beast of a father (Michael Ironside, shamelessly overacting.)

Roseanne's mother (Ellen Barkin, Switch) is out of the loop, having run off with a handsome, well spoken bartender (Jeffrey Wright, a brilliant actor left stranded in an underwritten role). Suddenly, all the kids in school are gossiping about Roseanne's family - mommy ran away, daddy got his ass kicked by her salsa-hot black lover at the local Bagel-Mart. Roseanne comes to the conclusion that if you're the child of fucked-up parents, you'll wind up fucked-up yourself. It's eye-rolling observations like these, peppered throughout absent minded voice-overs, that make Crime and Punishment a real chore to sit through without throwing darts at the screen. You'll have given up long before Vincent starts comparing himself to Jesus - in fact, you'll probably give up one you're attuned to the chapter headings such as Part IV: The Dark Side of the Moon. Please.

As if you had any doubts where this tragi-comedy was headed - a gun is introduced, an elaborate murder carried out with an electric carving knife, much moping about, and, for toppers, a scandalous trial where the wrong person is accused. It's about guilt, you see - hence the tenuous Russian literature connection. Throughout, Vincent has very little effect on the plot, riding around on his bicycle and spouting his maddening observations on the state of the world, the lack of conscience in an apathetic universe, et cetera. He's the annoying kid who just read Sartre's Nausea and thinks he's got it all figured out.

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