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All Families Are Psychotic by Douglas Coupland

© Marla M. Mitchell

The Drummonds are your typical American, oh, I mean Canadian family. Well, let’s put it this way, they are dysfunctional in a very American way.

Wade, the oldest child, has been kicked around by his father his entire life, and has been made to feel like a worthless speck of shite no matter what he does. The middle child and only girl, Sara, is the overachiever and Daddy’s favorite. The youngest, Brian, is the family’s idiot savant.

Anyway, the clan has gathered in Cape Canaveral Florida to watch Sara, their daughter and sister, who is also an astronaut, blast off into space on her first shuttle mission.

The reunion is not exactly sweet. The father, Ted, has a new wife, Nikki, who was once the former one night stand of Wade, the oldest boy. Their coupling left Wade with a hollow feeling inside, and a sexually transmitted disease.

Wade has ‘done jobs’ for some shady characters in the past: teamsters, mobsters and drug dealers. He has worked in the sleazy underground for the majority of his adult life and occasionally, when you play with fire you get burned, or shot.

A few years before this joyous get together occurs in the states, Wade became the victim of mob retaliation on a Sunday afternoon while visiting his mother. He suffers a flesh wound which passes through him, ricochets and hits her, lodging in her rib cage and infecting her with his virus.

Brian’s girlfriend Shw, that’s right, Shw. (Her real name’s Emily.) Shw is not fond of the Drummonds'. Actually, Shw is not fond of anyone.

Raised by over the top, saggy titted, commune dwelling, pot smoking hippies, she has turned out crazed, neurotic and in other words, a genuine psycho.

Shw has decided to abort the demon spawn she and Brian have conceived. This is much to Brian’s dismay, as he feels the baby is the only positive thing in his otherwise miserable life.

Several attempts are made on his part to intervene and save the baby until Shw finally relents. Well sort of. Instead of an abortion, she makes plans to sell the kid to this born again Christian couple there in Florida. Only as it turns out, they are running a baby mill in their basement. Uh-Oh!

The Drummond boys involve their father in another get rich quick scheme which involves stealing a rather historic document and smuggling it to the highest bidder in Cuba.