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Alzheimer's Disease - Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART FOUR

© Karen Largent

We continue our caregiving journey this month with the first half of 1996, as Dorothy continues caring for her bedridden mother. Please return next month for the continuation.

Note: As with the past few installments, this article can at times be very graphic and disturbing. This is a TRUE and HONEST accounting of the work and sacrifice it takes to care for a bedridden loved one in your home.

A Caregiver's Journey - Passage Into Paradise - Part Four

by Dorothy Womack

January 1, 1996

Mom is so out of it - she's pretty close to being a vegetable now. No improvement at all. She didn't know a neighbor yesterday, nor a relative today - even though I had told her they were coming. She asked for lunch three times after she had already eaten a huge meal. Her upper torso moves constantly and her eyes roll. She doesn't know what's on TV. She just stares and knows NOTHING. I know inside my heart that I have truly let go this time - The "night terrors" did it. I don't want her to remain, suffering, screaming and stagnating. If it is time for her to leave this world, I will no longer stand in the way of her "passage". She needs to go on with her new life, just as I must go on with mine. It seems strange that 5 days ago, I couldn't foresee giving her up, it terrified me so. Now, it would be a release, an actual relief, for this to all be finally over. I guess prayers have been heard and answered...

January 5, 1996

It's funny how "release" works - while Mom's heart attack was happening, all I could think was "NO, NO, NO". After she came back, she was and is, so different - The incident of the "night terrors" convinced me I must let go of her. This is what would remain if I didn't .. Only 5% of Mom's mind seems to be left now. She remembers almost NOTHING of our history together - so I am alone anyway. One night, about 2:30 AM, I went in and touched Mom, and truly released her to God. I have felt no sense to pull her back, no longing, no grief. I guess I finally have peace! I am not afraid, but I do KNOW inside the time has come. But the consequences of detaining her any longer are too horrific for me to handle. So letting go was easier - and when I let go, all the tears and frustration of trying to save her left!

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