Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

a major fight over his absenteeism. Mom started honking her bicycle horn (which we gave her for summoning help) (As she worsened, the coach whistle became our summons call, and the bicycle horn was for when she was sick - Obviously, a sick person cannot blow a whistle!) - Our yelling was annoying her. I realized that for all my sacrifices to serve her and help her live longer, she still shuts down my pain and focuses on HER needs. This was our lifelong problem - I was there to serve HER, and make HER life easier - It was never two way! Realizing this makes all my efforts in her behalf seem so self-destructive and useless. There is no reward for this kind of sacrifice - It is merely choosing a lesser type of hell.

I also decided that it would be better to go with Mom's wishes to be buried here with us in Tennessee, not in Texas. I struggled with this for a long time, but realized that I have paid my homage and dues to Mom for 2 ½ years - I don't see why following her body around would prove anything further. For those who would judge me, I can only say that they weren't here at all to help in any way - no calls, no letters. Seeing her body in a coffin does not justify neglect or signify respect to me - It is just an empty social ritual.

I don't know what will happen to our marriage when all of this chaos ends. I wanted my husband to sit with me through all of this, and then we would go on together afterwards, doing whatever. My husband feels he should keep doing and going without me and then when I get free again, I should follow him. I think that is very selfish and self-centered - It offers me no support in my never-ending nursing responsibilities and pain. I am not sure I will be able to overcome all of the damage that has been done to me through his physical abandonment and emotional neglect. But at this time I am totally dependent on him and have no choice but to let him have his way. At the same time, I can see why he is like this - After all, this isn't his mother. He has a life, work responsibilities, and wants a wife to

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