Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

my husband down completely in the process and am no longer his companion or helpmate. I am so utterly alone and lonely, yet when he is present with me, I am no longer alone, but still undeniably lonely! I feel like my insides are in a vacuum and I can't feel anything good at all. I am often his worst enemy - my apathy, ambiguity and insecurity increases day by day. I hate myself more as each day passes - I have no control to stop what is happening to my mother, to me, or to my marriage. I have set my course for self-destruction, somehow strangely intent upon ending, or at the very least ruining, my own life when my mother's life is finally over.

I get so exhausted from chronic guilt, fear and anxiety. I feel I have been buried alive an dam frantically scratching the top of the coffin, hoping desperately to be heard and rescued. YET NOBODY COMES. I, like Mom, appear destined to die, abandoned. I am so ashamed that my husband has borne the brunt of the cruel illness - I couldn't direct my anger effectively at God, wouldn't direct it at Mom in her condition, so my husband got it all!

May 15, 1995

Yesterday was Mother's Day - and what a "mother" it was! Mom had been filling her diapers all weekend, the catheter was leaking, she had 2-3 transischemic attacks, with dizziness, nausea and SEIZURES! A new nurse came to put in a larger catheter and Mom started crying hysterically, then shrieking! Her eyes were glazed over and she had her left hand over her face while she was screaming (she's right-handed).

When it passed, we tried to explain that T-I-As and psychomotor seizures both affect the brain, which controls not just the BODY, but also the EMOTIONS. She can't control the screaming anymore than the can the sneezing, urinating or eliminating processes! It really frightens her, since she has accepted the limits of her body, but didn't realize her mind and emotions could be equally impacted - and devastated! I took it fine while it was going on - yet once again reacted later - all night, in fact. I see her so often looking just like a cadaver - more than I see her conscious. Now, with the crying and screaming dementia factored in, I am just not sure I can actually survive

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