Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

sure and inevitable death of my mother - the possibility that I might have a life thereafter - and that I need to start preparing for my own future and survival! Mom's days are numbered, but she IS secure. That needs to be my goal too. I am too old to live irresponsibly and erratically - We have no other backups except ourselves - We shape and create our own futures - We need to regain what we have lost and used up: Emotional self-confidence, health, well-being.

May 6, 1995

I have been deeply troubled for a long time about my excessive fears and ways of "dealing" with them. Too poor to afford counseling, here are my own conclusions:

First, my mother is dying. She has transischemic attacks about every 7-10 days. Every day is a race against time. This does NOT mean that I can die with her, or throw my own life away - physically, emotionally, or spiritually - to "even the score". I am NOT responsible for her condition - Her aging body is! I cannot continue on with self-destructive habits - I am chronically mutilating myself inwardly as a form of punishment for not correcting my mother's condition.

Next, I MUST stop looking at the world as though it were ending tomorrow! My life is so absolutely, completely out of control - I try to "will" myself into being responsible for my inner thoughts, but it is as though I have no will of my own at all. Somehow, I sense that this must be how the gambler, alcoholic and drug addict must feel - They see the damage they cause, they truly want to stop the cycle, and yet are powerless over it all! It must be truly horrible! Clinging to things will not compensate me for my mother's loss of life or give me a tangible sense of her. All this is just another form of self-punishment, for not being able to "cure" my mother. In actuality, I am creating a dangerous psychological fiasco by throwing away everything I've worked so hard to obtain!

Then, there is my marriage - what a mess! I spend enormous amounts of time trying to drive my poor husband away from me by picking fights over the smallest things. I try to drive a wedge between us so I can once again punish myself for letting my mother down. I am actually letting my

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