Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

out and doesn't know day from night. It is the last days and she has peace, no struggle. Strangely, the struggle is over for me too. She is gone except in body, and even that is only partially here. My mother has left a little each day, each month, each year - until the grief I feel is for a woman in the PAST, not the PRESENT!

March 27, 1995

Last night was bad again. Mom had a transischemic attack and we had to change the whole bed. She slept a long time today too, like last time. The day before, she was more alert than I had seen her in over a year. I just can't relax on the good days, because to do so only leaves me more vulnerable to the pain of separation when it comes. My aunt told me about a book where an old man saw angels as he was dying. I hope Mom "sees through death" too when her time comes. Her good days are farther apart; her bad ones increasing, as well as worsening strokes. I hope I have GIVEN HER OVER to God, but suspect I have finally just GIVEN UP. I have tried to be "strong" for 27 months now, and the strain is beginning to be felt inside me. I feel no resentment towards Mom, but I do feel increasing despair and fight a strong desire to run away. For ME to MOVE ON in this life, MOM must PASS ON - This disturbs me deeply, although I do understand intellectually. I wish I could disconnect my head from my heart - It might be easier that way. I know I am focusing on the OPERATION instead of the OUTCOME - on the PROBLEM instead of the SOLUTION. Sometimes I feel I cannot stand the stress another day - Is Mom okay, is Mom dead, etc. I have nightmares constantly where I relive all the funerals and dead people I have ever known, as well as burying Mom directly, seeing her lowered into the ground, hearing the dirt fall on the coffin lid. It is absolutely horrendous. I no longer feel physically attached with that threadlike silver cord, like I did for almost 2 years. I feel less guilt when I have to run errands. But it is still very hard to watch Mom deteriorate daily. It is like I live in a giant

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