Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

could relax: body, mind and soul. I am so tired of all this anxiety and nervousness that I feel, the mental torment I endure, and yet Mom forgets as soon as it passes. I don't know anything anymore, and I am terrified of what lies ahead. Life seems as frightening to me now as what death does. I don't know how to function anymore and need help I'll probably never get - I am one screwed up person!

March 1, 1995

Mom found herself sitting on the edge of a high mountain cliff. She could see people far below, in the valley (me, my husband). There was another mountain cliff directly across from her, which was full of smiling people, motioning her to come over. Among them were her parents, grandparents, sister and longtime friends. She couldn't figure out how to get there, since no bridge existed and you couldn't jump over to it. She knew for certain that she didn't want to return to the valley below. So she decided to just sit back and wait until the answer came. We have never called her back to life since that dream!

March 6, 1995

Mom was extremely alert and wanted to see all of her musical instruments in the closet. She was like she was 50 again and could even play some of them! I was shocked - I had never seen Mom so knowledgeable. My husband feels this is a definite sign that her time to die is soon. People who become aware, alert and articulate after an extremely long illness usually experience this "phase" close to the time of actual death - so it's time to get ready!

March 7, 1995

Timing is critical - Mom went to sleep at 6PM last night and slept until l PM today. She was in a light coma, yet I felt no fear or desire to call her back, like I had before. I stayed with her all day and realized just how small and fragile she has become. I can't imagine her making it even to April lst. I know what lies ahead for her here is having no ability to swallow, speak or breathe. I don't want her conscious and starving to death. I would rather her go before it worsens any further.

March 10, 1995

This time she's not going to come back fully. She sleeps a lot, is very confused, can't figure her TV schedules out

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