Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

and ensuing devastation, humiliation and shame. I am better off to be screwed up and living far away from my past, and staying distant enough that no one, NO ONE, can ever hurt me that deeply again. I have accepted my destiny - that most likely, I will never fit in with any group of people. I stand alone!

October 30, 1995

After giving this much thought for many weeks, I have reached some hard conclusions about myself. I had two people call me last night, back to back, and yet I didn't feel any closer to either of them for it! One is full of anticipation of what great things she will accomplish in the future - The other tells me of a present I am no longer a part of, and a past that haunts me to this day! I also know that each day, I have less and less involvement with Mom - It is like she is already dead. I think I used her condition more as an excuse to do what I always wanted to do - withdraw from the world, escape from the pressures and expectations of men - to DIE, without DYING!! Mom's condition gave me that outlet - and although there are times I struggle against feeling dead and abandoned in this world, most of the time I am relieved not to have to be any part of it! I don't want to go back and feel that overwhelming rejection and loneliness. It would never be the same anyway, because I have changed too much. These women expect me to be who I used to be - Yet I am so different now. I have been alone for so long until relationships seem a total waste of time!

I have begun to think about of how little acts we do as humans are REALLY altruistic in nature. I could see how Mom saw an opportunity to stay in her own surroundings, doing mostly what she wanted - as opposed to being in a nursing home without rights. She had a better chance to let me be her "keeper". In the same way, Mom's condition enables me to stay home, have no arguments, hassles or rules with God-knows-what for a boss!

So, maybe it isn't LOVE at all - Maybe it's more of an arrangement borne out of CHILDHOOD GUILT and ELDERLY NEED. I have had great

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