Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

anyone much, because I know I will say more than I should and will only bring them down too. That isn't my intention - I know they have their own burdens to bear. And I am NOT complaining about the consequences of my choice - I am just trying to keep others somewhat updated of the situation. I know I must appear rude by not responding more often to Mom's sisters - but my intention is to SPARE their feelings, not to exclude, overlook or hurt them in any way. All I can do is hope they know me well enough to see that my silence is meant for their protection.

October 15, 1995

I'm getting used to Mom waking up every 3-4 hours and not knowing where she is, what day it is, or if it is day or night is a burden all of itself. She was first a real problem, whistling all night for food - but now she seems harmless, other than the glazed look in her eyes, her entire body weariness, and her confusion. It grows more pronounced every day. She just keeps fading away, piece by piece, until she is no more. I don't feel the way I did for so long - like an umbilical cord was attached between us. I guess I've gotten too tired to care, grown weary, or given up - but I feel more weariness and numbness now.

October 20, 1995

I wonder often just why we are put here on this earth. What I do for Mom will not be remembered by anyone but me - and will it matter at all to Mom when she is dead and gone? It seems so useless! I have realized that I am really drawn to ANGELS lately. Not real ones, but gold replicas. I think it is because I have never been hurt by any angel, nor had any expectations of them. With God, I had unmet expectations, lots of conditioning to believe His character of wrath and judgment, and a strong, persisting sense of utter betrayal at losing my father as a child. It did a lot of serious damage to my belief in God's love for me, which has NEVER returned.

I know now that I don't want to go back to the past way of life - I would rather stay right here, isolated, where no one knows of my secret heartaches and

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