Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

Although this happened to Mom a week ago, she has lost more newer memories, looks extremely tired and it feels like death is hovering nearby. At first, I thought I might be dealing with two separate personalities, since one makes sense and remembers things - the "other one" does not. Then I figured I'm dealing with her subconscious, much like sleepwalking and sleep "talking". She acts relatively normal, until she wanders off into her dream state while her eyes are open. This would explain why so much is lost to her of her own experiences. I think too of how children are learning every day, until they are 5 years old - laughing, responsive, talkative - yet most never retain these early memories. They are acting CONSCIOUSLY, yet will retain almost NO MEMORIES of it!

So Mom's brain continues to be irreparably damaged, broken beyond repair. I have also realized that not only am I still trying to rescue her from death, but also I am trying to actually heal her of her disease - Take it away, where there is no suffering. I then realized that she is suffering the consequences of her OWN actions, and while I can COMFORT her, I cannot CURE her. She let her high blood pressure go untreated for an entire lifetime, overate constantly and never exercised. I never blamed myself for CAUSING her illness, but I have surely done so for not CURING her! That is a herculean task that NO human being can do and I punish myself incessantly for not being able to do it! I am weary with my own life and feel like such a failure. I am mentally ill, emotionally disturbed and socially isolated. I feel alone in the world, disconnected from everything, except the constant specter of death. I must remember that it is my MOTHER who is dying, not ME - and that SHE has peace because of this, not ME! I do wonder why I was meant to witness horrible things firsthand that Mom has gone through, that will surely torment me the rest of my life. I truly do fear for my sanity now, more so than in days gone by. I am alone with a mentally incompetent, dying person - day after day after day - and it does rub off. I would love to feel any kind of peace, where ALL of me could

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