Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

me to have surgery and terrorized Mom, that it would be HER fault if I died on the table. It must have been terrible for her - He didn't even show up at the hospital! I hate the revelation, but I know I possess the same cruel nature my father had, along with all the negativity and moodiness. Seems he made a "rotten apple" out of me!

August 6, 1995

Mom's catheter has been leaking for a week, soiling diapers, sheets, bed. It has been hard to deal with. On the worst of these days, she agreed to go to a bedpan, if necessary. She said "Life is hell, ain't it?", while lying in urine up to her eyeballs! I just don't know where her humor comes from - I wish I had some of it! I guess God gives grace to those with physical infirmities, because Mom never was that way before the strokes! She asked me about a black tee shirt I was wearing with a round face on it. She thought it was a butt hole. I said "yes, it's a butt hole with eyes - a self-portrait" She shows a lot of concern for my well-being now, grabbing my arm and telling me how grateful and also how sorry, she is.

August 7, 1995

Today has been an eye opener. I sorted through some of Mom's paper piles and found a few pages she had written 10-15 years ago about her childhood. It was very interesting and I realized I get my writing capacity from MOM, even though she never pursued it or even recognized it. Also, she said I have my father's profile, so I must look like somebody after all! She said when I was born, she cried because I had two perfectly formed ears - That I wouldn't go through the hardships she had growing up deformed with only one ear. Also, she was the one who insisted that I have surgery as a baby. My father was totally against it, said she would be responsible for killing me, and let her face all of it alone. What a jerk! Without the surgery, I would have died for sure - so what is my sacrifice of three years when I have already had 40 before, due to Mom's decision?!!

Mom also said when I was 6 years old, my grandfather and she had a terrible fight over money in

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