Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE


these years, I have been trying to be loved and it just isn't there to be found. People are like ghosts passing each other. No one feels anyone else's pain - We are all islands. In trying to bring healing to others wounded by rejection, I have wound up receiving horrible, devastating rejection myself! I need to love myself, my husband, and Mom --then STOP. No one else! Respect, yes - Love, no. The cost is too high - I would wind up paying with my own life. Unless I learn to keep my emotions detached from others - my body will detach from me! I am so perceptive to other people's pain - Yet so blind to the traps and snares lying wait for myself! I will LEARN in order to SURVIVE. Trying to find love in other people is just not worth losing my own life in the process!

July 20, 1995

Mom and I had an odd conversation today. She slept till 10, then again from 12-4 - then again at 8PM. She has been running fever and rolling to the right for two days, and is too heavy for me to move. I have been seeing shows on contacting people who have died, and how they have brought peace to the grievers by letting them know they are okay. Mom and I were talking about how the body limits our spirits. By making us experience chronic pain, weariness, heaviness and limitations. She said, in response to my comment: "Wouldn't it be great if we could live in spirit form without our bodies". She said that would only happen when we got to Heaven. I asked her if she would send me a signal that she got there alright - Like a knocking, or an appearance - something so unique I would know it was her - Mom said she would, so I could have peace of mind. It was just like I asked her to call me when she got to Florida!

I also remembered that I have dreamed 2-3 times that Mom was walking and standing at the foot of my bed, asking me where she was. My husband said that is her spirit leaving her body, yet it returns instead of going on to God! I will miss her deeply, although I know I have gone way beyond the breaking point and cannot cope with any more outside

The copyright of the article Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE in Alzheimer's Research is owned by Karen Largent. Permission to republish Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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