Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

Life has been a devastating disappointment to me, in every way possible. I no longer have any interest in living - I want peace at any price - Life without strife - No arguments, no hassles. I don't want to hear another human voice ever again, except Mom's. I have never felt so unloved, manipulated and unwanted in my entire life. I am so tired of all this until I think death must be the only way out for me too - Actually, right now, I don't even care if we ALL die!!

July 19, 1995

I guess I must be learning my "great" lesson - DAMAGE WITHOUT DISTANCE. My husband and I must work together to keep close to each other and separate from "outsiders". When we tell our true feelings and opinions to people, they use it against us, humiliate us, defy us and reject us. We are giving our power away to people who CANNOT love us, or anyone else! We need to realize that our BODIES act like barriers between us and other people - and just as we wouldn't be naked physically to others, we cannot afford to be EMOTIONALLY either! For me, it can literally mean my life! I don't believe I could stand another blow to my self esteem, to who I really am inside. I have asked myself if what I've gained through my relationships is worth what I have lost, and the answer is NO, NO, NO! Open my arms and welcome the stabbings! I must take responsibility for the pain others have caused me, because I have literally helped them do it!

Mom has lived to be old precisely because she never shared her true emotions and never was close friends with women. Everything was built on DOING, not BEING. It always bothered me that she was so emotionally distant - but now that I am older, and hopefully wiser, I can see this was her way of self-protection. She knew early on in life how tremendously destructive emotions could be, so she shut down all that would leave her powerless and easy prey to others. I, of course, spent every day of my life believing there was basic good in others, and if I could somehow "connect" with another's heart, I would be happier, secure, loved. W-R-O-N-G!! All through these

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