Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART THREE

but 3 hours on Friday and has left her apathetic and lethargic. Her head and neck bob slightly, all the time. Her vision and hearing are diminishing. Her upper torso moves continuously, like she is swimming in slow motion, ever so slightly. I am sure this T-I-A damaged the central nervous system, or she could stop moving. She knows she is moving, but seems unconcerned that she can't stop it. She also is rolling terribly - We have propped up the right side excessively, so now she rolls to the left! Once she rolls into a position, she is stuck there until we move her. She seems undisturbed by all this, and maybe she no longer comprehends what actually is happening. It is like someone is draping a blanket slowly over her body - LIKE SHE HAS LITERALLY STEPPED INTO THE SHADOW OF DEATH. Maybe soon, she will see a Great Light! I tell myself daily to expect this, and yet, inside it horrifies me to see her waste away.

July 14, 1995

This has been all "hell" week. Mom's catheter kept leaking, so a smaller one was ordered to stop the "bladder spasms". This smaller catheter would cause leaking, which would lead to bedsores - I was told we'd just have to live with the results and do the best we could. The next morning, Mom was literally soaked in her own urine and I just went to pieces! My husband came home, called Mom's doctor, who immediately ordered the bigger size and problem solved! I knew Mom wasn't having bladder spasms, but no one would believe me (Turns out, 15 months later, that her bladder had shrunken inside the bladder cavity. When the nurses would put in the catheter, sometimes they would miss the bladder entirely, leaving it inside the cavity itself where Mom continued to leak as if she had nothing on at all!)

One of the bathers came over and once again, had to deal with a hysterical person. It seems the doctor wasn't consulted by the nurses first, and they got in trouble for their actions and quit. So, blame me, the troublemaker. I will never know how I keep from sliding over the edge of sanity, but it must just be God. I realized too, what I have been saying all my life: Your TRUE friends are there when you're DOWN and OUT, not UP and BOUNCING! Mom's

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