Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART TWO

had to throw away the eggshell mattress too. Mom's bowels had eliminated all the way up to her belly button and down to her knees - It had run through her diaper and all over the sheets. It was the worst mess I had ever seen!

Mom suddenly went into a coma which lasted 5 hours, with death rattles twice. I tried repeatedly to revive her, to no avail. She looked D-E-A-D. Then without warning, she called for me to bring her food! I nearly passed out in the kitchen! After she ate, about an hour later, she went right back into the coma and death rattles - No responses, sunken features, clammy, ashen skin. I cried all day long - I did pretty good until she came back the first time. Then the calmness I had felt left, the anger and bitterness, grief, fear and tears hit me.

We were making burial plans and Mom came out of the coma again! She was hungry, so we fed her - she was actually alert! I thought I really was losing my sanity. She had absolutely no memory of what had happened to her and she has lost over two days in time! She never heard my voice or felt my touch. I crawled in her bed and begged God not to take her away from me. I am just not ready to let go! People tell me I'm overreacting and should adapt, but it's not THEIR mother! No one can help me with my pain because I have pain as a CHILD, and no one has those memories or loyalties but me. I seem irrational, but I am still HER child, and part of me fears losing the security, albeit FALSE, that a parent provides. Rationally I know she cannot help me or protect me - but emotionally, in my heart, she is still my "safety net". I guess I never grew up emotionally - that is quite obvious.

Today, Mom was fine, except slipping mentally a lot - she couldn't name the President. She had handled all of this remarkably well - she seems unconcerned about what is happening to her - she acts peaceful. I told her I didn't want to be an orphan, that I love her and need her. She said she didn't want to leave and she would try to stay as long as she could. I think

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