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Page 8
Today, Mom was fine, except slipping mentally a lot - she couldn't name the President. She had handled all of this remarkably well - she seems unconcerned about what is happening to her - she acts peaceful. I told her I didn't want to be an orphan, that I love her and need her. She said she didn't want to leave and she would try to stay as long as she could. I think she knows she is losing the struggle to survive. I believe that although God may have a time to take people Home, we can nag enough until He postpones their departure! That doesn't mean they will live indefinitely, but just for awhile longer. I think now that in the Old Testament, people must have fought harder to keep their loved ones here, as they lived 800-900 years. Then Jesus came and people decided "not my will, but thine" and quit fighting against death. They thought it was sinful to stand up to death and bargain with God. But Jesus did bring Lazarus back from the dead, because Mary's grief was killing her too! If Mom goes before I am emotionally ready, it is very likely that MY life will end too, as will God's plans for me. So, postponing this gives me time to adjust, adapt and accept.
These past few days have given me some much needed insights. First, Mom's spirit is "sleeping" when she goes into these comas and she has no concept of time or knowledge of what has happened - so I am being foolish to watch her body contortions, horrifying images, etc. If she dies, her spirit will simply "wake up" in Heaven, with no knowledge of how she even got there. She will have been oblivious to the actual death experience. I need to concentrate on the fact that this is her BODY dying, not her SPIRIT - Her spirit is sleeping, detached from the mechanics of physical death. Her body is merely a house, or an engine - and it does me no good to study how the engine fails or the house is raized! She is not in that BODY - Her SPIRIT is suspended somehow, and in death, it is released and truly set free. Also I've been thinking how easy it is to allow well meaning intentions of devotion and loyalty to lead into bondage. My husband's focus was always on his father, and I came in second. Now, I've done the same thing to him, unknowingly, with my mother! Mom gave me to my husband when I was 14 years old, for him to provide, protect and care for me all the days of my life. She never took back that responsibility - so in God's eyes, I should look for human security in my HUSBAND, not my MOTHER. I have been living many months UNDER THE ILLUSION OF CHILDHOOD SECURITY (Mom) and in BONDAGE TO CHILDHOOD FEARS (Mom dying). But I an NOT 10 years old anymore and I haven't really depended on Mom for DECADES. I am 41 years old, almost 42, and it is time for me to grow up and move towards unity with my husband instead of Mom. This in itself should enable me to let go of her without guilt, remorse, or overwhelming grief!! Go To Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
The copyright of the article Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART TWO - Page 8 in Alzheimer's Research is owned by . Permission to republish Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART TWO - Page 8 in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
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