Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART TWO

either, since the images are forever in front of me, waking or sleeping! I feel I have absolutely no control over my mother's or my own, health, life or destiny! Some days I find myself with very harsh images of a God who just dropped us off on earth and only gets involved when His OWN image is at stake. I don't know what the truth is anymore - Mom seems better and I am deteriorating! Maybe this is a delayed reaction to the year long hell I watched which she can't remember. I am afraid I will never be right again and I feel I am walking through this tunnel alone!

I studied so hard for this college degree and should feel proud of my accomplishments - but I don't. It seems the only feeling I consistently have is emptiness. I feel like I have been bombed, but my physical body remained intact. My spirit, emotions, psyche and mind are hopelessly irrepairable - yet even my husband doesn't seem to notice it! He is so far into life - Mom is so far into death - And I am pulled, pulled, pulled apart, in half, to pieces! I feel often as though I'm dead already and wonder if Mom might actually outlive me. I achieved a college degree at home, yet this just shows me to be intelligent - I am also very neurotic and explosive - so just what exactly do I have to be proud about?

I look at my mother's life and my own, and wonder what it is all about - why bother to send us to earth to have us just drift through it like ghosts and then leave it? I see ghosts with booming voices hurling words at me like swords! It seems everything I have ever believed to be "truth" has been turned inside out, until down is up and wrong is right. I am tired, most of all, tired of thinking, tired of living, tired of focusing all my attentions on sickness, suffering, and dying. I am lonely, scared, confused and tormented - It is really true that you DIE alone, no matter who is beside you - It is also very true about LIVING too!

July 4, 1994

Yesterday, Mom had a very good day - laughing, talking, even ate garden vegetables blended up and kept them down. Today, she is sluggish, listless and

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