Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART TWO

not WITH her. She does not know of the price I have paid to care for her needs, nor does it even cross her mind. Just like I was with her when I was the child --Care was expected, sometimes demanded - rarely appreciated. So she is my child now, and although I did feel a great surge of love and a great deal of pain on her behalf during these last 18 months, I do sense a change inside me lately. I still care FOR her and ABOUT her - but I no longer feel it WITH her. I was isolated with my mother and dying too - Now I am beginning to see the sun again and make plans for living in this world.

Mom didn't die when her own mother did - In fact, she started living again before her mother died - She got married and then had me - So her life went on. And from what I remember, for the most part, she did exactly as she pleased and enjoyed her many days. She played music, stayed home, went to dances, married again, made many friends and laughed a lot. She didn't die without her mother - Actually, I believe this was when she truly came to life and into her own. Maybe I will be so fortunate! It is not that I won't miss her when she's gone - The sad thing is that I miss her ALREADY, even while she still remains!

June 30, 1994

I am hopelessly screwed up and acutely aware of it. I have vivid nightmares that started a few days ago about Mom, and she's doing very well these past 6 months! I wake up hearing her screaming loudly, hysterically - I see her standing at the foot of my bed, asking who I am and where she is. I see her in her own bed, gasping for air, clutching me, turning first blue, then totally black - and finally the ABSOLUTE worst nightmare, one I have never even conjured up in my daytime fears, is of her throwing up pure blood, over and over, until she violently hemorrages to death. Her eyes are wide and she is totally aware of everything and I can't do anything! These nightmares repeat themselves in specific order, at least every other night - so I get very little sleep now. I have no appetite either,

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