Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART TWO

decide what is best for the patient if they can get their hands on them. What it boils down to is that they are not there to HELP the sick, but only to EXPLOIT them. They take their bodies, rob them of their rights, and torture their souls!

March 24, 1994

This has been an incredibly hard month for ME, not Mom. Outwardly, all has settled down - but inwardly, I have never felt so much turmoil and fear. I can't relax - I have nightmares every night, always about dead relatives or finding Mom dead myself. I stay exhausted, depressed and don't want to talk to anyone. It all seems so futile. Mom's death rattle incident really traumatized me. Even though I thought I was coping pretty good since the day that incident occurred, I realize I don't leave the house anymore. I am deeply terrified of what the immediate future holds and how will I cope. Will I have a breakdown - Will my health hold up?

I have learned a tormenting lesson during my "house arrest". What I see now, EVERY TIME, when I deal with my mother, is a CORPSE, not a living person! I feel like I am housed with the dead 24 hours a day. Life itself goes around in circles. Where we BEGIN is where we ultimately will END - and where we END is where we ultimately will BEGIN. Real deep stuff. Mom has reverted to babyhood, ending where she began. And, if the Bible is true, the end of life here on this earth is only the beginning of life eternally. I truly hope this is actually a FACT, not a MYTH. My faith failed me a very long time ago and I am not sure of what is the truth spiritually anymore.

April 22, 1994

Well, it's official - I'm losing my mind! My mother is slipping away from me DAILY and I can't keep her with me forever. I don't even know if I can keep her with me for just one more day. Although SHE has IMPROVED this year and grown stronger every day, I have DETERIORATED so badly until I have developed strong, overpowering self-destructive compulsions. Every day used to be a cross between Halloween and Groundhog Day (the movie) - sameness coupled with terror. Now, it's more stable - yet I can't forget the horror of what I have seen, heard

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