Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART TWO

As days go by, I even see this in my own marriage - My husband is part of the living, gradually moving more and more into life itself while I reside among the dead and dying, losing more of my will to live as each day passes. Minute by minute, second by second, as my mother's life slips away, so does my own. I see my own future mirrored in her life - Therefore, nothing is worth the effort because I know what is waiting for me at the end of the line. All your accomplishments, your struggles to achieve and arrive, to massively pile up material gods as a sign of your success and worth in this life - It is all a futile pursuit. In the end, you leave with what you came with - a spiritual being - nothing else goes. How will I be remembered? I won't be - when my life is over, people will probably ask who was she? I am but a shadow. I have had so many bombs explode inside of me until I feel all I have left is the skin over my bones.

March 7, 1994

Well, the bombs continue to drop - falling closer and closer to my very being. I just learned that the bathers have the right to rescuscitate Mom, against her wishes, her living will and our attorneys! It's as if we have no voice, opinion or legal defense at all! This decision, without DNR orders from the doctor in her file, would mean that any medical person entering my home could remove Mom against her wishes, placing her first into a hospital and then transferring her over to a nursing home, all without any regard to the people involved! They have the right, those who see Mom a few hours per week, to override me, who is involved 24/7 (which is about 56 times more investment), not to mention it is MOM's body - She should be the rightful decider! I was utterly stunned, betrayed and devastated. Our lives can be totaled at will - put Mom through physical and mental hell, take her away from us as if none of us had any rights at all. The only orders that are obeyed are DOCTOR orders, "DNR", which I promptly went and obtained from the family doctor! They won't come when you call for help, but they will decide

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