Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART TWO

August 23, 1994

Every day my depression deepens. Sneezer's death has knocked the wind out of my sails. It seems so useless to make any effort to try - She, like all of us, are destined to die - and life doesn't seem worth the effort to me anymore. I am slowly realizing too that Mom's death won't affect anyone but ME - She has outlived those who loved her, and no one else truly cares at all. I know too that some, or most, of the reason I want to keep her now is out of insecurity. I don't want to resume my own life - I just want to sleep through whatever is left of it! I haven't spoken to anyone in a very long time who seemed remotely happy that Mom was still alive - All I have heard is that she is in the way, preventing my potential, etc. How sad it is not only to grow old ALONE, but to grow old UNWANTED, ISOLATED and UNLOVED. What she did with her life matters now to NO ONE except ME. She herself has forgotten most of it! People only care about what touches them personally - nothing else matters. And I am finding, slowly, but surely that I am detaching from her as my mother, and see her more as a little old lady I take care of. She has outlived her husbands, her friends and I am afraid, almost her usefulness. If what we do in this life really has no meaning, then why bother to make any effort at all? It is easier just to give up and wait for the grim reaper to come get you too!

September 2, 1994

I miss my mother, the one whose memories match my own. I miss the woman whose picture hangs in my bedroom, the one who raised me as a child. I miss her humor, her laughter, her energy. The old woman I take care of has her good qualities too - she is usually grateful for whatever care she gets and doesn't complain. She is 100% dependent on me, which requires total trust and complete surrender - two things I would find impossible! But this little old lady has captured my heart too, because she

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