Passage Into Paradise - A Caregiver's Journey - PART TWO
her struggle. Had I known what the next year would bring, I would certainly have rejoiced in the sounds of the "shuffle"!
Four days ago, Mom was alert and we were laughing over some of the silly things that had occurred in this situation - Like opening the door in the middle of the night to let "nobody" in. Mom started laughing, then coughing, wheezing, gurgling, strangling, gasping, gagging and throwing up, over and over. She couldn't get any air in her lungs and she couldn't throw up anything. I sat her up and kept patting her back, all to no avail. It was like someone was on top of her, choking her. She was drowning in her own saliva and I couldn't do anything! This went on for about 5-10 minutes and then finally let up. Her eyes were bulging - her face red and blue - her hands shaking. She was absolutely terrified and so was I! It appears the "trapdoor" in her throat is failing and so any liquid goes into the lungs or blocks her air supply sufficiently to where she literally drowns in her own saliva! This is absolutely beyond mental terror and torment to me - This is truly the horrors of the dead! After this, the coma and death rattle looks merciful to me - At least, Mom is unconscious and feels no pain. This other way, she is very conscious, terrified and actually DROWNING without leaving her bed! I am frightened for what each new day is going to bring next. My faith has been torn asunder - I feel forsaken, abandoned, and betrayed by a God whom I thought loved and protected my mother and me.
August 3, 1994
She is not being punished by Me - All that is happening to her is a natural consequence of her chosen lifestyle. Choices bring consequences - This is a law of life. It does NOT mean that it is a punishment from God! Obesity, unchecked high blood pressure, a sedentary lifestyle - all contribute to the final outcome which ultimately leads to death of the body. Just as smoking, drinking, even AIDS, bring with them natural consequences (not spiritual punishment) - so does each person's individual choice of lifestyles, and thereby consequences. I have caused none of this that has horrified you, nor is your blame and vindictiveness rightfully directed towards ME! I AM NOT YOUR
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