Growth Can Be Messy
The search for essential self often feels like a tumultuous thrust of one’s rough edges against that of another’s in order to create a smooth and flawless diamond. One’s true soul mate is often the very person that evokes an array of emotions, all for the sake of providing lessons that help you grow. We repeatedly attract the same situations and patterns into our life until we finally reach an "A-ha" moment of understanding, and consciously make a choice to act differently.
Growth can be messy.
Relationships are one of the most powerful tools for transformation. My greatest teacher was also my greatest source of pain. Despite how destructive it was to my psyche, I had enormous difficulty letting go. Our emotional wounds initially gravitated like two broken souls trying desperately to make a whole. There was a time we felt safe from the world, often isolated in an illusory fairy tale. It was ultimately destined to unravel, which it did. Our wounds began to repel each other as painful reflections in a mirror. It was as though fate forced us together to shatter our illusory world, ultimately heal our wounds, and unleash our souls.
Sometimes when things get messy in my life, I instinctively revisit these past illusions, as though being there would somehow heal my pain and desperation. Perhaps it’s selfish, idealistic, romanticized, and like forbidden fruit, a seductive lure away from my soul. It occurs at times when I question my strength. I see how far I’ve come, but sometimes recoil with each painful contraction as I’m faced with the arduous task of giving birth to myself. Letting go would ultimately make the process easier. Such a simple concept yet in practice seems insurmountable.
What I've learned is that losing your soul is a high price to pay for familiarity. When I have insane moments of suffering in past memories, I gradually remind myself that I haven’t lost anyone, but rather I’m transforming into a more authentic me. Growth often means leaving behind people, situations, and things that no longer work in our lives. They feel comfortable and familiar, but come with high price tag. Whether it’s a relationship, career choice, or simply not allowing yourself to feel, and follow your heart, it is one of the greatest sources of anxiety in our culture. By clinging tightly to the past, it prevents us from taking the action needed to move forward.
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