Snowbound and Then Some
"It's a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don't quit when you're tired, you quit when the gorilla is tired." ~~~ Robert Strauss
The year has begun with a feeling of being stuck: Major writer’s block, way too much snow, a backed up bathtub, a comatose car, a delay in accessing what is left of my funds… Everything feels very stuck. I feel physically, intellectually and emotionally snowbound. I’m actually NOT really stuck. In some ways there is tremendous movement going on. Like a frozen river, although on the surface of things there appears to be no movement, water continues to churn and flow under the crust of ice. Even though I am having trouble seeing it, there are profound shifts happening in my life and my psyche. Perhaps that’s why I feel so uncomfortable. Not because I’m so stuck, but because I am in fact coming unstuck. Hmmm.
I spent December on strike from my job. I’m broke and the other money I was expecting in January won’t be available until mid-February, but I felt I had to stand up for what was right, to not continue to allow the company to steal my time, so I stopped work until the situation could be resolved and – perhaps not as quickly as I should have – contacted the Labor Relations board. And I won my argument. The company has paid me for the twelve hours they owed me and they are changing their system for tracking work hours. It feels good. A victory for myself and for the other transcribers as well.
In December I also finally had my meeting with VESID (Vocational and Educational Services for individuals with Disabilities) - http://www.vesid.nysed.gov/ . It wasn’t a very good meeting. I’m very conflicted about asking for help, about thinking of myself as disabled. Far as I have come along the road to healing, much as I have wrestled with the demons of toxic shame, I am still prone to think of myself more as a deadbeat bum than a disabled person. After all, as the Demonalians ( http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ; http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ; http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ; ) love to point out, it’s all in my head. If I weren’t crazy and lazy, I wouldn’t need help. Therefore by their logic, I don’t deserve help and asking for assistance is both immoral and criminal. This belief is very deep in my bones and while I have no judgment on anyone else seeking help – and in fact encourage them to do so – for myself, it touches a deep core of resistance and shame.
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