Sometimes it’s really hard to stay positive. I don’t know if it’s one financial set-back too many or the chill of Fall in the air or empathy for the Antique Kitty’s aching bones, but I’m having a hard time feeling positive right now. Maybe I’m just reacting to all the fear and anxiety in the air because we are, sadly, a nation whose leaders seem to be almost aching for war. Maybe I’m frustrated because my employer says I worked 8 hours less than my records say that I did. Maybe I’m frustrated because the landlord and the boiler guy are ripping me off for $60 that I don’t have to spare and I don’t know how to stop them from doing it. Maybe I’m scared because my bank account is almost empty and Car-Car is not long for this world. Maybe it’s a combination of all these things. Whatever the source, feel I like I’m back-sliding again and back-sliding pretty badly.
I’m staying up late and getting up late. It’s four weeks now and I haven’t been able to make my second trip to Monticello yet. I did get half way there one week only to be stopped by a nice policeman, not for speeding or driving badly but because I had my front license plate taped to the dashboard instead of bolted to the front of the car (long story). It’s fixed now but somehow my weird, phobic mind thinks that there are policemen waiting for me everywhere or that the car will break down or… I did fine on my first trip to Monticello. You would think that would have cured me but somehow I am back to square one on going and I'm having a hard time resisting the whispering shame voices of the Demonalians (
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ;
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ;
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ; ) who, have, of course no desire for me to actually GO to Monticello and take steps which might improve my life situation.
In short, I’m feeling stressed and sorry for myself. And I think I’m kind of angry. Angry at the landlord, angry at myself, and angry at God/Goddess, probably. I’m just feeling like I can’t get a break no matter how hard I try. This isn’t true, of course, but it’s how I’m feeling. I’m starting to notice (Oh, Dr. Jim, you will be so proud) that when I am in this state of mind I am especially reluctant to go out the door. I am better at feeling my anger these days but I am still kind of mystified by what to do with it. It scares me. Instead of making me feel powerful it tends to make me feel vulnerable and helpless (hopeless?). It also, I guess, is the universe’s way of trying to gently get it through my skull that I’m NOT hopeless or helpless.
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