Change

Well, it seems that the Muse and the Inspiration Fairy both decided to take off for the south of France (rumor has it that that's where they have gone), without leaving so much as a phone number or an itinerary. It has taken some doing, but I managed to get an idea inspite of them. I want to talk about change today - what it means in our life and how we relate to it.

Change is an inescapable part of life. When you get right down to it, every minute of every day is full of small and sometimes big changes. You would think we would get used to it, but for some of us who struggle with the constraints of agoraphobia or other conditions, even small changes can threaten our carefully created balance. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but it is often - usually - very uncomfortable for us.

There's a part of me - the healthiest part - that loves change. Change, even difficult change - moves us forward in life, grows our psyches and expands our life experience. That's a good thing ultimately. The agoraphobic in me is terrified by change. As I recover, I live my life in gradually expanding safety zones. I like having my range widen, but it isn't always easy. My drive last week to Monticello was a challenge. Oddly, I did fine on the drive, fine meeting new people. But after I got home I found myself exhausted to the point where I could barely stand or think. Change needs to be metabolized by both the mind and the body. And of course the change I am metabolizing here is not just - probably not at all - about driving a new road. It is about what the implications of that drive are. The real world is trying to pull be back out into a fuller life. I'm excited about that and I'm also frightened of it. It took me a week to call my former therapist and ask him to help with my application. I don't know what I was afraid of. Moving the process forward, probably. When I did call, it was great to hear his voice and catch up a bit. The papers have been sent off. Change is looming on the horizon and I don't know if I am glad or sad about it. A bit of both probably. After all, change brings with it the mysteries of the unknown, the wonder of new possibilities, but it also, for many of us, brings the whispering voices of Demonalia out from the shadows. "What if?" they whisper..."what if?" And the list is long. What if I don't get the grant/job? What if I do and fail? What if I can't handle being in an office and working with other people after all this time? What if they get mad at me? What if I disappoint them? What if I haven't really learned from therapy and get sucked into my old patterns? What if I can't handle the change?

Go To Page: 1 2

Articles in this Topic    Discussions in this Topic