CyberSpace vs the Real World
One of the things which has saved me as an agoraphobic is the world of the internet. In the later days of my most profound self-imprisonment, the internet became my world and my salvation. My solitude was suddenly transformed by a world of new acquaintances. I got involved in discussions on politics and religion on the discussion boards at Women.com and made dozens of wonderful friends from as far away as Greece and New Zealand, from California, Ohio, New Jersey - all over the states. I took courses on a different kind of reiki - through the computer. I participated in a healing circle which met every night. And I had regular contact with my sister's children by email and instant messaging. When my beloved Katrina was dying, both she and I were wrapped in love and prayer and healing energy from all over the world. In short, my life became very full without my ever having to open my front door.
One of the people I met in the message boards got my website started for me, a gift which I resisted mightily at first, but which became and continues to be a great source of healing to me once I got past being afraid of the idea. First through my website and now through these articles, my life has gained a sense of purpose which was previously lacking. I can, hopefully, be of service to people. Many of the friends I made in Arizona came to me through my website and other sources on the internet. It's pretty amazing.
The internet also provides services which are profoundly helpful to housebound agoraphobics. Amazon.com and Drugstore.com saved my life. Living in New York, unable to go anywhere except by cab, shopping by internet was not only convenient, it was economical as well.
That said, the danger of all this wonderfulness is that it made it easier for me to stay housebound. I didn't HAVE to go to the drugstore for toothpaste. I just typed the order in and voila, there it was at my door a day or two later. Wow.
At present, I'm earning my living (of sorts) in cyberspace as well. This too is probably a mixed blessing. It makes it possible for me to hang out at home more than I should. It allows me to give in to my fear of looking for work outside the home. I am not so cured as I would like to be. I'm certainly more mobile than I was two years ago. I'm able to push past my anxiety more often and more easily than I once did, but I'm still not exactly comfortable. Going out even on small jaunts that are just daily living for most people continues to be a task. The amount of coaching involved in even something like going to the post office is mind-boggling. It is easy for me to talk myself out of things, to postpone them. It looks like rain. Guess I can wait to do that until tomorrow. It's too early or too late or too warm or....
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