Please Don't Yell at Me

I don't know it it's just me or if it's common among agoraphobic types but even though I've survived a lot in my life, I don't think I'm very good at advocating for myself. I do a pretty good job advocating for others, but for myself, only in a crisis do I muster even a tinge of spinal fortitude. In my everyday life, I put enormous amounts of fear into even very simple things.

In my move this past week I didn't need to invent any fear. It was very real. The day I moved my landlord or "Mr. Happiness" as I like to call him - threatened my 5'2" friend - arguably the gentlest person on the planet - with a two by four or at least a big stick. I didn't see it, but I did hear him swearing at her in pretty foul tones. At one point he stood at the bottom of the stairs screaming my name over and over. Even the three big guys who were moving my stuff were shaken by him. It was a horrendous day. My beloved little digital camera is among the missing along with my big tub of Oxyclean. But I am safe from someone who intentionally turned off the heat in my apartment during very cold weather and would have left me without it for three days if he had gotten his own way. That same day he told me that he wanted his apartment back, that he hated me and that he hoped I would drive my car "off the road into a ditch and freeze." Now, of course he is angry that I'm moving.

But I digress from my topic. In my rush to get out of the place I was in, I didn't do much advocating for myself regarding the new space. In fairness, because I was desperate to move right away, the new move came sooner than my new landlord was prepared for and so I find myself with a broken refrigerator and a shower that doesn't work and a lot of furniture that isn't mine to be worked around as I unpack my own belongings. I'm sure that my new landlord will take care of things graciously and promptly, but programmed by my basic nature and my recent experience, I'm terrified to even ask. The old childhood feeling that I will "get in trouble" if I ask for what I need (and what I'm paying for) is almost literally consuming me. Even though it makes no sense, I feel like it's my fault that there are problems to be dealt with. I dreading talking with my new landlord tomorrow. After all, I'm committing at least one of the ten basic sins - remember those? (http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ) - I am inconveniencing someone. The fact that I am inconveniencing him to the tune of two month's security and a month's (prorated) rent does not register in my thinking. The fact that he may not feel inconvenienced at all is equally inconceivable to me. I am asking for things - well, I'm going to soon - and in my warped psyche, that is just WRONG. I am, on the whole, a landlord's dream. I sit here at age 54, not, I think, a stupid person, but absolutely terrified that he will yell at me, that he will tell me "no," "tough luck," or say I have to leave again. Moving is hard for anyone. For agoraphobics for whom our homes are supposed to be our sanctuary, it is particularly trying.

Go To Page: 1 2

Articles in this Topic    Discussions in this Topic