Home for the Holidays

Ok, well I have to admit that I'm having kind of a hard time writing this week's column. I've got the blues a bit. And I'm also very happy. In other words, I'm really confused. On the one hand, I have a home of my own again. There are exciting possibilities afoot with my CD ( http://www.geocities.com/krabenau/loveto... ). (I've sold four copies!) This column and my other writings feed my spirit and give me a sense of self worth. I've even had a couple of reiki clients in the past week. My new home is in a beautiful location and I am surrounded by creative people and friends. My apartment is painted (yes!) and I'm starting to feel settled in. I should be doing the dance of joy. Instead, I'm feeling a little sad.

I'm new here and far from the family that remains in my life. I miss my beautiful, amazing great niece and I miss what used to be a warm, laughter-filled relationship with her mother. I feel far away from my Texas niece. And from my nephew who is not so much far away geographically as he is emotionally. We have all been through a lot. They lost their mother in a horrible way. On their mother's side of the family tree, they have an uncle (my brother) who makes me seem well adjusted and then they have me. I was too busy being depressed and locked away to be there for them in many ways. I know that they know I love them. I was never emotionally unavailable. Just a phone call away. But sometimes in this life we need more than just emotional support. Sometimes we need a physical presence. A hug. Someone live and in person. I wasn't able to do that and I have always felt like I failed them in a very fundamental way.

I don't mean that I'm a bad person or anything like that or that they didn't know they were loved. Just that when they were young I was a lot of fun (I think) and then after my brother and mother got sick and then my sister was killed I kind lost myself and my sense of joy. Misplaced it anyway. I'm getting back to it. But I can't replace the times that I wasn't there: the graduations I didn't go to, the visits I didn't make. They are generous souls. I don't think they hold it against me. I kind of hold it against myself. But I also have learned that there's not much point mourning over things you can't change. Life happens as it happens and I believe that the hand of Spirit is in even the dark moments. Not that I always understand what Spirit is thinking, just that I know we can only do our best with each day that comes to us and try to learn from - I was going to say our "mistakes" - but I would rather say learn from the things which transpire which don't enrich us or others. Someone once said to me that "there are no wrong decisions." I was all ready to argue with him about it but then I realized that it's true. We always make the best decision we know how to at the moment of choosing. And if in retrospect we think we could have chosen better, that is really an illusion because we have no idea where our alternative choice or choices might have taken us. We are always right where we are meant to be. Even when we are feeling a bit sad about a potentially lonely Christmas or bumps on the road of family or social relationships. Even then, we are held in the hands of the Divine. Even then we are on the right path. Because in the end, all paths lead to the same place - which is the heart of the Spirit or Great Mystery or All That Is - whatever name you want to give to it. For some God/Spirit may be an old man with a long beard, for some a perfect logical syllogism, for some a flower or a beloved pet, for some a great painting or poem. I think that God/Spirit is all things and speaks to the heart of each of us in the language that resonates with our personal heart beat, with that which gives us joy, with what connects us to our capacity to love.

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