A Love Letter
silent messages, in the way she herself was unable to receive love. She was wrong and I have been struggling to unlearn a lie that she did not mean to teach me. It's so deep in my being, though, so attached to my sense of survival (I will die if I like myself...) that it is proving hard to let go of. But I want to do so.
I am trying to use Diana's most recent gift to me to break through that wall of fear and to let the love really come in. I started to write that "I am worthy of love," and I can't tell you how uncomfortable that sentence makes me feel. I tried "I deserve love," and I have trouble with that one too, although I am worthy of love and I do deserve it. (Agggggh! I am waiting for the thunderbolts....) I want to say that we don't have to be worthy because I don't think that we do - or that we are all worthy because I think we are, but I all kinds of arguments come up in my head when I go there. Ever since I was a small child, I have been very uncomfortable if I had something that other people didn't. Maybe that's part of my difficulty accepting love. It's as though I am getting something special that nobody else is getting. I know that doesn't make sense. I am - I finally know - very smart and even wise in some ways - but oh, what a crazy zone lives inside my head!
I am writing this because I think so many of us hold that crazy zone. We carry our shame around without even knowing we are doing so. We wear it in our eyes and in our body language. We struggle with it as it blocks us from walking out the door of our homes. We hold off the love and affection that others pour out on us. And we deserve so much better. I am loveable and you are loveable, whether we are agoraphobic, anxious, shy, quiet, loud, fat, thin, beautiful, ugly, smart, dumb, male, female, married, single, rich, poor....
I want to open my heart to all the love that is offered to me and take it into my being. I want that for all of you as well. I have loved writing to you and hearing from
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