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Moving On

© Katherine E. Rabenau

Well, times here in my little corner of the world remain uncertain. Tomorrow is the day that my landlady has decreed I should move out, the day when I will fail to do so, and potentially, the start of a legal process of eviction notices posted on the door by the police and court dates. I'm hoping that it won't come to that, but at the moment everything is still hanging in the air. I have a hard time with anger and hostility. However it plays out, I will be glad when the next step in this little psychodrama I am living through is behind me. At present I am exhausted (not sleeping well), anxious, as weepy as they come, and terrified that people will yell at me and put me and my kitties out on the street. That isn't likely to happen, but even though I know that with part of my head, there is another whole part of me that has no faith in logic or reassurances. I don't cope well with uncertainty. I woke up the other morning from a dream in which I was being handcuffed by the police and taken off to jail. Not easy being me.

Everything isn't hopeless, though. I'm working on defusing the current mess and coming to a peaceful compromise while the bright side of all this misery comes into manifestation. Mercifully, there is a bright side. A lot of really good things are coming out of my present situation. Sometimes the Universe works in strange ways and through unlikely agents to move our lives forward. I'm back in therapy (by phone) with Dr. Jim, which is really good and provides me with brief spates of rational thinking as I go through this situation. Also, with the help of my brilliant and generous niece Diana ( http://www.vegangirl.com ; http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ), I am buying a home of my own. As I type this, I am waiting for the buyer's agent to call me and come to pick up a check and bring some papers for me to sign to put a bid on my little house. The buyer's agent is very smart and seems to know all there to know is about shopping for a house. (If you are shopping in the Catskills, you might want to check him out. His website is: http://www.catskill4sale.com/ . He is kind and honest, and, along with Mrs. Fuller from Wells Fargo Bank, is using all his knowledge to help me get this house in the most affordable way possible. That said, he thinks I am in over my head. He is probably right. I think that what he doesn't understand is that when you are at the level of financial instability (I don't want to say "poverty" because I live very well for a "poor" person) that I live at - you are always in over your head. Even low end rents here are now in the neighborhood of $600/month and I get slightly over $1000/month from SSD. It's going to be a stretch no matter what I do, so I might as well be happy and spending what I have to accrue something that I can leave to my sister's children when I kick the bucket somewhere down the road.

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