Days of Whine and Neurosis
Well, you would think that someone as fortunate as I am would be dancing on air about now. I have a good apartment with low rent, a great neighbor upstairs who helps me with my shopping, when my computer died a few weeks ago, my sweet, good, noble niece in Seattle bought me a new one (!!! - it's very cool), I have somewhat secure income for the next 5-7 years at least from disability, I have two sweet kitties, I have friends in the flesh and friends in cyberspace, I have a page in a book with a lot of big name people, I have some reiki clients, the list goes on and on.
But am I happy? Am I spending my days laughing joyfully? No. I am miserable. I have the flu, I'm not sleeping well, I am tired all the time, my knees hurt. I am cranky and wracked with self judgement. It makes no sense at all. And it makes me feel very bad about myself, which I guess on some level is the purpose. I think the Demonalia Gang ( http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ; http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ; http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ; http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ; http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/agor... ) has found a chink (at least one) in my armor. I think that somehow I believe (not consciously but deeply) that I have to be punished for all this good fortune. My neighbor is still struggling with the social services people. She is still sick and despite that she is helping me out. How rotten can I get? It isn't all one-sided, of course. I reiki her regularly, we share meals and food and even though she does more than her share of cooking, I do help. I help in other ways too. But on the Demonalian scales of justice, my contributions don't count. I am bad. I know this isn't true, but for some reason I am kind of stuck in it at present.
I am also struggling with what to do about this column. I think that people must be tired of my monthly whining here. I am restless about what to write. I don't feel like I'm adding much to anyone's life with my words at the moment and whether it is coincidence or a reflection of that, the people who usually share here have not been doing so of late. It's not that nobody reads the column. There is a healthy number of people accessing the articles every day. Regardless of that, I am feeling unsatisfied with writing and I think that almost certainly comes through for those reading.
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