Awareness, Acceptance, Action: Working with What We Have

Ever since I can remember I have been afraid to leave the house. Unlike the definition of agoraphobia as a fear of 'open spaces', my fear is not one of the outside or of my ability to handle myself in the world. Rather, it is an overwhelming and debilitating anxiety that if I am away from the house, something horrible, random, and irreversible will happen in my absence - something that would be prevented if I were at home. The fear is all consuming - from a concrete and tangible fear that there will be a fire, or someone will break in, a pipe might burst, my animals will be hurt or neighbors will be in danger etc., to an inexplicable global anxiety that loved ones (who may or may not live nearby) will be harmed or that something bad is going to happen somewhere while I am away, and possibly even BECAUSE I am away.

This type of agoraphobia, which I am in therapy for among a number of other things, manifests itself in symptoms of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) that vary in nature and degree depending on the level of stress I may be experiencing at a particular time and whatever stress I feel about the place where I'm going or how I might be traveling there. I can spend anywhere from 15 minutes to several hours checking the stove to make sure it's turned off, even if I haven't used it. I check electrical outlets repeatedly to make sure that all the plugs are pulled out, faucets and sinks to look for potential leaks and windows to make sure they are closed... the list goes on and on. When I am finally ready enough to step outside the door, I then begin the same process of checking and re-checking the locks. But that is just the beginning - once I am out of the house, I then almost always have to go back to check everything again. On a good day I allow myself to go back home only once or twice at the most. On a difficult day, I'll be compelled to go back home several times while on route to my destination and then sometimes even after I have arrived there, regardless of the consequence.

When this fear is at its worst, I cannot leave the house at all. Unfortunately, I usually don't know that I can't leave the house until the last possible moment, after I have exhausted all attempts to go out. I fight the anxiety for as long as I'm able but eventually give into it out of exasperation and despair. At this point, I also know that wherever I am going, I will be late anyway and met with irritation or anger, or will not get there in time at all. So, I cancel at the last minute or call in sick or I just don't show up.

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