Anger

I hate anger. It frightens me to be on the receiving end of it and it frightens me to feel it. While I'm not as frightened of it as I once was, I'm still profoundly uncomfortable with feelings of anger and alas, at the moment, I am feeling very angry. I snarled at a friend of mine yesterday for no particular reason, something which is very unlike me. What makes it all the more distressing is that I feel like I am angry at everything and everyone. I'm angry that I am just barely hanging on financially and my link to my work is broken at the moment. I'm angry that I don't know how I'm going to survive. I'm angry that I'm not stupid, that I have a lot of talent and yet still can't make a decent living. I'm angry that I don't know how to navigate the world. I'm angry that I don't know how to find a literary agent or a publisher. I'm angry that I am afraid to go outside. I'm angry that I can't seem to break a pattern of eating which is self destructive. I'm angry that I have the skill/gift of reiki and no clients. I am angry that everyone wants everything from me for free and that a long history of giving my talent away has left me broke and frightened. I am angry that I'm angry. I'm angry that my car took twenty minutes to start when it has just had new spark plugs and I'm angry that it costs me $1200/year for insurance on a four hundred dollar car. I'm angry that Abigail is old and struggling and that I can't help her. I'm angry at her for being incontinent, though I know that I'm really angry at my inability to cope with her frailty. I'm angry that in my efforts to fix the computer problem around my job, I have instead made things worse. I am angry that my country has gone to war on a dictator who could have been overthrown another way but seems to have little desire to heal injustice, ignorance and poverty. I'm angry that I'm lonely and have noone to blame for it but myself. I'm angry that I feel unloved although I know that's not true. I'm angry that I feel trapped in my life with nowhere to turn. I'm angry that I haven't won the lottery. Well, you get the idea. I'm a pretty cranky blob of humanity.

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