67. Dealing With Cancer: Part II
My sister-in-law’s hair had just begun to grow back and she was feeling better than she had in a long while. Now, she had to suffer through the entire process over again… another surgery, more rounds of chemo and radiation. I honestly don’t know how she mustered the strength to continue on with her battle. I’m not sure I would have had her same strength and will power after such a major disappointment. I’m sure the power of love from my brother had a great deal to do with it.
I almost felt guilty for dealing with my cancer in such a calm, benign, non-invasive manner. In spite of the dark cloud looming above me, I experienced no discomfort whatsoever, though I could feel my lump growing somewhat larger. It may sound a little mentally deranged of me, but it is as if a different kind of peace enveloped my being, I was experiencing no fear. In retrospect, I’m sure it had more to do with feeling in control of my own destiny, rather than entrusting my fate into the hands of strangers. Or maybe it’s because I’m the type of person who always reads the last chapter of a book first. I don’t like surprises. If I know the ending, I can better enjoy the book in its entirety. It’s the same with movies. In any case, my secret life began to empower me with more confidence in an odd sort of manner. My children and few friends who were aware of my condition knew better than to constantly ask how I was feeling; they observed the obvious factors of my general appearance and mood.
I did consider the fact that I might be suffering from a severe case of denial. Of course this is always a possibility. On the other hand, I had begun to write individual farewell letters to my loved ones, so no, I decided I wasn’t really in denial about the severity of my cancer. I was merely allowing myself the luxury of being open to any and every possibility, especially the one luxury that springs eternal, having hope and faith. I have also always believed that every life experience has a purpose; this particular one was no exception. I was embarking upon yet another profound journey, a most personal one. Who could possibly guess what lessons I was to learn
Also, the circumstances in which I found myself seemed to have been perfectly planned for my ordeal, as if the powers that be knew what was coming and they arranged all of the details to accommodate me. I had been living alone in the original home that I had shared with my husband before our divorce; we agreed that it was best not to uproot our sons and we decided against selling the house until both boys graduated from high school. It was a large home, over 4,000 square feet on a half-acre lot. Needless to say, it was a tremendous drain of time, energy, and money. After eighteen years, though the market was not favorable to sellers, I was thrilled to be free of the responsibility of being a homeowner.
Latest Articles